Letter to my sister

on being an older sister & love that feels biblical

Little sister,

You are the only person I will ever love like this. You are everything I am not. I write about you even when I don’t mean to. Standing next to you makes me seem so full of holes. I wouldn’t know what to do without you. We are perpetually stuck in the shapes we mould each other into. You see right through me, it makes me feel so small sometimes.

You asked me to annotate a book for you before you left for school, across the country. It made me want to sob for hours on end, to tell you how much you mean to me. But we are rarely so open with our affection, so instead I write it in the margins.

People always tell us we look nothing alike. When you talk down to yourself it splits me apart. I would have been more careful with my words if I knew you would echo me.

We forgive each other when it matters. I ask something in the sky to protect you.

You got your licence before me and it always made me feel inadequate. How am I meant to be an older sister if you are always so far ahead of me? I’ve always said I feel more like a little sister, but perhaps that’s because I desperately wanted someone to look up to. I look up to you, despite being older.

I regret nothing more than the years we spent as near strangers, as passing ghosts. I didn’t know you until two years ago. You have always been a part of me. When dad went to the hospital that night all I wanted was for you to be there. I joke that you talk too much but I miss your voice when you’re not around. Nobody can make me laugh like you do.

You’re two years younger but we have been each other’s entire lives. We are backs pressed against each other, necks strained to look back. When you were growing up I was terrified something was going to happen to you the way it did to me. I was so scared you were going to learn about the world, that it isn’t how it seems when you’re a kid, and that for a while it would paralyze you like it did me. I forgot we are not the same person. I forget that a lot, these days. I forget I can’t protect you forever.

I listen to you echo my words in arguments with our parents. I think I’ve raised you. I taught you how to curse and how to stand your ground. I am not your mother but I love you the way I think only someone who came before can love someone they’ve watched grow up.

Forgive me, will you, for the times you needed someone and I wasn’t there. Forgive me for not being stronger for you. Forgive me for needing a big sister sometimes.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I love you in a way that feels biblical.

I love you in ways I couldn’t ever write.

Via Yizdan

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That’s all for now, take care of yourself